Love humiliates you. Hatred cradles you.

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 17:37:26 GMT

well, i dont know. no one really writes in here anymore, but i know people read this, and the only reason i finally wrote in here again is for peope to read this, but im really not here to say anything negative.
i just wish people could go on with the future, and stop holding things in from the past, or whatever everybodys doing.
thats part of growing up.

but have a good summer, good luck with life and everything else, because we probably wont talk.

and i probably wont need this anymore. ive said that so many times before, but as probably no one has noticed, i dont write in here anymore. marissa basically got me into this when i was in like, seventh grade, and i thought it was the coolest thing ever, but i think writing about it and talking and being open about how i feel is better than this.

but really, to everybody that ive ever run across in my life, even if it was a few conversations, thanks, because everything matters and counts.

“Try to realize it's all within yourself no one else can make you change, and to see you're only very small and life flows on within you and without you.”

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 21:36:40 GMT

i just really want to cry and curl up in a ball and go in a corner and be left alone forever.
as good as everything seems to be, it just seems like somethings really just getting under my skin, and im not sure what. i feel horrible. the only time im happy is when im at school because its too busy to sit around and think about everything so much, which i do a lot. ive felt dizzy and light headed for days and i feel like im about to pass out. i cant go without stopping every once and a while and just stopping everything and just shut my eyes and relax for a second, because if i dont i feel so weird im afraid i might actually pass out.

and as im getting older my privelages are narrowing, and i do it to myself.
im sorry im sorry. but i just cant do it.

and the fact that everybody gets in my business about my own relationship is ridiculous. i think almost 100% of the people even saying things towards it dont even have a right to because either their relationships are a piece of shit, or they dont even know how to handle it. its noneyabiz.
and what cracks me up is they half to let me know the age difference. no really? AM I REALLY SIXTEEN? no way. hes how old? wait what? im dating him and hes how old? i never knew this.

seriously you guys, thank you so much, for without you.. i wouldnt know how old my boyfriend was.

psh.

im just really down, and even though i have great friends and josh and i talk about everything, i just feel really alone lately.

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 14:38:35 GMT

last supper. last time on this computer, last everything entertaining for a while i'd say. i'll probably be working a whole lot, and no need to tell me how stupid i am.

i've already figured that one out.
if anybody needs to ask me anything or talk or anything, my phone'll be the only thing youll be able to reach me on.

Sat, 24 Mar 2007 21:44:14 GMT

well, at least when i'm 21 i'll be excited to finally get my licence AND be able to drink legally.

which i still dont even like drinking.
so..

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 02:43:11 GMT

i dont know. i guess i just feel really shitty and helpless and lonely.

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 01:27:10 GMT

everybody needs to chill out, and live. youre young. dont worry about so many things. do what you can.

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 04:41:52 GMT

"everything is love and beauty. you bring wrong into your life by denying the perfect way"

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 05:28:18 GMT

“Diaries are great when you are young…But when a person gets older she should be able to discuss her problems and thoughts with other people, instead of just with another part of herself…”

i havent really needed my journal as much anymore. theyre great for writing down your thoughts and memories, but i dont really think i need this like i have for so long. i never really felt i could communicate with people, or they just couldnt see eye to eye with me, and for three years, this has helped me more than i could imagine.
i'm really happy with how things are going, even though i have my ups and downs, and get upset with how people are now. obviously i'll still write in this every once and a while, but i just dont need it. instead of just writing my thoughts down and doing nothing about it, i'm doing something now. things are better, and the friends i have are great. the people who are in my life now i hope i never lose, and the ones i have lost due to boyfriends, friends, changing ways, i guess we just didnt have enough of it to stay in touch, but they really still are great people, and you never know if youll run into each other again even in the near future.

you never know what the future has in store for you, and i'm really excited to see whats around the bend.

i'm really glad i met you, honestly. just being around you has opened my eyes to so much. i've learned so many valuable things in life i dont think i could ever forget anything about you. although i have amazing friends that i really do talk to about a lot of important things in life, i've never met anybody like you. we understand each other, we can relate, and we open doors to new things for each other.

i just want to say to everybody, and i mean everybody, if i ever did anything to hurt you or anything, i'm sorry.
let it go.
go on with life

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 04:55:51 GMT

to everybody that replied to my previous entry, i love you, really, and if you ever have anything you need to say or talk about, i'd love to sit and listen/read.

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 02:08:50 GMT

i couldnt have asked for a better way to start off the new year.
really.

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 06:01:23 GMT

Later Today...

AA BATTERIES GREEN EYES AND POLKA DOTS!!!!!!!

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 20:20:15 GMT

i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy! i'm so happy!

todays a good day.
i love my friends
my family
and everybody.

<33

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 06:19:29 GMT

this has been one of the most miserable winters in a really long time. i dont even know. whatever i say people just kind of ignore. thats basically why i give up on what i'm saying halfway through a sentence, and then every one says something like i smoke a lot of pot or something. i'm sick of people telling me i just make too many excuses and that im too lazy and basically a waste. maybe i am. i am. wow. all i seem to write in here is how upset i am, and its so dumb because when it's summer i'll go on about how much fun something is. i really wonder if i have any seasonal problems. or maybe its the lack of vitamin i'm getting that you usually get from the sun. that could be it. not the seasonal thing.
i just kind of just want to start over. that'll be my new years resolution. i never really had one. but that'll be it i guess. i'll start everything over. i try so hard not to care what people say, but i just get too upset. i dont even have a bad life. i have a really good life actually. and i dont know why i get so upset. my mom helps me so much, and i live in a good environment. i just see my friends laugh about things that people say in here, and i get upset that they're going to say it about me. i get so parinoid about that, and i know i shouldnt care.
i shouldnt, but i do. and i cant stop it. sometimes i really dont care at all. but right now, i really do. because i'm so sick of everything. this is christmas time, and i'm sitting here bitching about how horrible i feel. this season shouldnt be an excuse of why i should be happy, but its usually supposed to be a really happy time. but now everybody is just way too insane about getting all of their presents, money, and wrapping a buttload of shit.

and i know i'm upset so much because i'm a teenager. i dont think i have 'depression' which i half believe in. i know some people are depressed a lot and its a chemical imbalance, but other times, i think its just your emotions while youre growing up. your bodys changing, and youre facing new problems.

i'm really tired.
i hope tomorrow goes well. because today as we can see, didnt at the end. otherwise everything was good.

i'm hoping i did good on my math test.
and my mom got me a dvd rack!

and i gave her her shoes shes wanted so much.
i need to organize that shit before i go to sleep.
uh, bye.

i'm like, half awake. i'll read this and t hink this is the dumbest thing e ver because i'll get over it by tomorrow.

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 04:42:22 GMT

i'll never finish this work in time and still have enough time for sleep. maybe if i didnt slack off so much i wouldnt have had this problem. maybe if i wasnt a dumbass and just did my work in math i wouldnt be in 9th grade math again. or have a math tutor. or feel so dumb all the time.

and its my fault
because i make it happen.
and i just make excuses all the time.

because i dont know how to handle anything else.

throw chairs.
OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 03:38:20 GMT

i just got off of the phone with mike, and i cant stop crying. i dont know why, nothing bad happened.
i'm so sick of everything.
stop telling me how I need to do in school. you're not my fucking mother, so keep to your own business.
stop telling me how i need to do the things i do.
because thats all i hear from everybody now.
maybe its my fault, but SHUT THE FUCK UP
and deal with your own fucking problems.
SERIOUSLY.
MIND
YOUR
OWN
GOD DAMN
BUSINESS.

i just want somebody to talk to, and not direct me.
STOP. please.
please. stop.

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 23:46:38 GMT

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 00:55:05 GMT

"A diamond don't define what shine is
I don't need a Rolex to know what the time is
You got your let me find what mine is
I'm a survivor look how strong my mind is
I stand on my own it's all me
Regardless of whatever they call me"

i hate the aftermath of drinking.
i need to sort things out.

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 23:10:05 GMT

this is the worst season for me. i mean yeah, winters beautiful, cool.

i need to get out. i used to go to all different places in the summer. i just, stopped.
and i need to get out. i can't sit in my house anymore. or at houses.
i need to go.

i need to talk to somebody. i really do. all of my friends kind of just parted.
i guess relationships do that when youre teenagers?
i cant talk much though, ive been grounded.

i guess you just can't help how you feel about certain things.
and i'm looking for things in all the wrong places.
this is pretty dumb.

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 03:42:50 GMT

i'm never satisfied. what the fuck is wrong with me.

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 04:00:11 GMT

im deleting everybody who doesnt respond to this entry. i like to keep things lightweight.

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 04:30:44 GMT

comment to be added, i guess.